Aristophanes, Thesmophoriazousae

Aristophanes
c. 427 BCE (over 2,400 years ago)
Trans RMBullard
Greek (Classical Athenian Age)

KΗ Ω Ζευ, χελιδων αρα ποτε φανησεται;
(Zeus' balls, when will the swallow come out?)

απολει με 'αλοων 'ο ανθρωπος εξ 'εωθινου.
(This guy is killing me, driving me on from the crack of dawn.)

οιον τε, πριν τον σπληνα κομιδη με εκβαλειν, παρα σου πυθεσθαι ποι με αγεις, Ωυριπιδη;
(Is it possible, before you completely knock the spleen out of me, for you to instruct me somehow in meditation at your side, Euripides?)

ΕΥ αλλα ουκ ακουειν δει σε παντα 'οσα αυτικα 'οψει παρεστως.
(But, you don't have to listen to all the things that you'll see soon enough here.)

ΚΗ πως λεγειν; αυθις φρασον. ου δει με ακουειν;
(What the hell you talking about? Say again. I don't need to listen?)

ΕΥ ουχ 'α γε αν ακουειν δεηι.
(Really, you shouldn't have to listen to these matters.)

ΚΗ πως μοι παραινεις; δεξιως μεντοι λεγεις.
(What do you want me do? Hmm, I guess you say right...)

ου φηις συ χρηναι με ουτε ακουειν ουτε 'οραν;
(Don't you mean to say that I need not listen AND see?)

ΕΥ χωρις γαρ αυτοιν 'εκατερου εστιν η φυσις.
(Well, the nature of each of these actions are separate from each other.)

ΚΗ του μητε ακουειν μητε 'οραν;
(From what, listening or seeing?)

ΕΥ ευ ισθ''οτι.
(You know damn well.)

KH πως χωρις;
(How is it separate?)

ΕΥ 'ουτω ταυτα διεκριθη τοτε.
(Well, these things were separate in past time.)

αιθηρ γαρ 'οτε τα πρωτα διεχωριζετο και ζωια εν 'αυτωι ξυνετεκνου κινουμενα, 'ωι μεν βλεπειν χρη πρωτα εμηχανησατο οφθαλμον αντιμιμον 'ηλιου τροχωι, ακοης δε χοανην ωτα διετετρηνατο.
(As a matter of fact, because, in the beginning, when the heavens were divided and was jointly engaged with the earth in its begetting, at that time when the eye was designed to see, with a shape like to the sun's center, and likewise the ear was borne out as a funnel for hearing;)

ΚΗ δια την χοανην ουν μητε ακουω μητε 'ορω;
(Sooo, I don't hear or see through a funnel...)

νη τον Δια 'ηδομαι γε τουτι προσμαθων.
(Hell yeah, by Zeus' balls, I wanna learn how this can really be true.)

'οιον γε που εστιν 'αι σοφαι ξυνουσιαι.
(Really, "philosophical discussions" are so fun.)

ΕΥ πολλα αν μαθοις τοιαυτα παρα εμου.
(You could really learn a lot of things like these from me.)

ΚΗ πως αν ουν προς τοις αγαθοις τουτοισιν εξευροιμι 'οπως ετι προσμαθω μη χωλος ειναι τω σκελει;
(How could I possibly discover from this great things how I could yet learn not be lame in the legs?)

ΕΥ βαδιζε δευρι και προσεχε τον νουν.
(Come over here and pay attention.)

ΚΗ ιδου.
(Ok.)

ΕΥ 'οραις το θυριον τουτο;
(You see this little door?)

ΚΗ Νη τον 'Ηρακλεα οιμαι γε.
(Of course, by the nuts of Heracles, I should think so.)

ΕΥ σιγα νυν.
(Now shut up.)

ΚΗ σιωπω το θυριον;
(Shut the door up?)

EY ακου'.
(Listen up.)

ΚΗ ακουω και σιωπω το θυριον.
(Ok, listen and shut the door up...)

ΕΥ ενταυθε Αγαθων 'ο κλεινος οικων τυγκανει 'ο τραγωιδοποιος.
(In there, Agathos, the famous guy shacking up there, happens to be actor of tragedies.)

ΚΗ ποιος 'ουτος Αγαθων;
(What kind is this Agathon?)

ΕΥ εστιν τις Αγαθων-
(He's an Agathon...)

ΚΗ μων 'ο μελας, 'ο καρτερος;
(So, a dark tough guy?)

ΕΥ ουκ, αλλ ετερος τις. ουχ 'εορακας πωποτε;
(No, the other one. You've never seen him?)

ΚΗ μων 'ο δασυπωγων;
(So, the big-bearded guy?)

EY ουχ 'εορακας πωποτε;
(You've never seen the guy, have you?)

ΚΗ μα τον Δια 'ουτω γε 'ωστε και μεν γε ειδεναι.
(No, by God, on the point that I have really seen the guy.)

ΕΥ και μην βεβινηκας συ γε, αλλα ουκ οισθα ισως.
(Yeah right, you've probably fucked the guy, and still you don't know him.)

αλλα εκποδων πτηξωμεν, 'ως εξερχεται θεραπων τις αυτου πυρ εχων και μυρρινας, προθυσομενος, εοικε, της ποιησεως.
(But let's get the hell out of the way; I see a servant coming and bringing a flame and myrrh, probably to sacrifice to Poetry.)

θΕΡΑΠΩΝ ευφημος πας εστω λαος, στομα συγκληισας.
(Let all the people speak well, shutting the all their traps.)

επιδημει γαρ θιασος Μουσων ενδον μελαθρων των δεσποσυνων μελοποιων.
(Why, a revelry of Muses is shacked up there inside, while the blessed mistress singing their songs;)

εχετω δε πνοας νηνεμος αιθηρ, κυμα δε ποντου μη κελαδειτω γλαυκον-
(Yes, let windless air bring its breezes, and don't let the ocean's wave * a shark--)

ΚΗ βομβαξ.
(What the fuck...)

ΕΥ σιγα.
(Shut up!)

ΚΗ τι λεγει;
(What's he talking about?)

ΘΕΡ πτηνων τε γενη κατακοιμασθω, θηρων τε αγριων ποδες 'υλοδρομων μη λυεσθων,--
(Let the race of birds be put to sleep, and don't let the legs of the wild, wood-dwelling beasts be let go,--)

KH βομβαλοβομβαξ.
(Really, what the fuck...)

ΘΕΡ μελλει γαρ 'ο καλλιεπης Αγαθων προμος 'ημετερος-
(Yes, the eloquent Agathon, our savior, intends to...)

ΚΗ μων βινεισθαι;
(What, to get fucked up?)

ΘΕ Τις 'ο φωνησας;
(Who the hell is talking?)

KH νηνεμος αιθηρ.
(The windless air!)

ΘΕΡ δρυοχους τιθεναι δραματος αρχας.
(...he intends to set up wooden stocks to begin a dramatic play.)

καμπτει δε νεας 'αψιδας επων, τα δε τορνευει, τα δε κολλομελει, και γνωμοτυπει και αντονομαζει και κηροχυτει και γογγυλλει και χοανευει-
(Τhen, he's gonna bend up some new turns of phrases, and hammer on them carpenter-wise, and then mold up some aphorisms and interchange some words, and wax them up and round them off and dig ditches in 'em-)

KΗ και λαικαζει.
(...and suck some cock too.)

θΕ Τις αγροιωτας πελαθει θριγκοις;
(What's this country hick coming over my fence?)

KH 'ος 'ετοιμος σου του τε ποιητου του καλλιεπους κατα του θριγκου συγγογγυλας και συστρεψας τουτι το πεος χοανευσαι.
(Α guy ready to pound his dick through you and your "eloquent" poet, should he turn his ass round and head to this fence!)

θΕΡ η που νεος γε ων ησθε 'υβριστης, ω γερον.
(And what a new concept indeed that you get off being such a bastard, you geezer.)

ΕΥ Ω δαιμονιε, τουτον μεν εα χαιρειν, συ δε Αγαθωνα μοι δευρο εκκαλεσον πασηι τεχνηι.
(What's the matter with you...don't mind this idiot, just call Agathon out yourself with all haste.)

ΘΕΡ μηδεν ικετευ'-αυτος γαρ εξεισιν ταχα-και γαρ μελοποειν αρχεται.
(You don't have to beg, look he's coming out right now; why, he's even starting to sing.)

χειμωνος ουν οντος κατακαμπτειν τας στροφας ου 'ραιδιον, ην μη προιηι θυραζε προς τον 'ηλιον.
(Yeah, it must be winter, when it's easier to twists his twists, otherwise he wouldn't have come outdoors into the sun.)

ΕΥ τι ουν εγω δρω;
(So, what do I do now?)

ΘΕΡ περιμεν', 'ως εξερχεται.
(Come on, since he's approaching.)

ΕΥ Ω Ζευ, τι δρασαι διανοει με τημερον;
(Oh lord, what does he plan to do to me today?)

ΚΗ νη του θεους εγω πυθεσθαι βουλομαι τι το πραγμα τουτι.
(Hmm, by the gods, I want to inform myself on this little matter.)

τι στενεις; τι δυσφορεις;
(Why are you whining? What are you complaining about?)

ου χρην σε κρυπτειν οντα κηδεστην εμον.
(You don't have to withhold info, since you're my buddy.)

ΕΥ εστιν κακον μοι μεγα τι προπεφυραμενον.
(It's a great misfortune that's been cooked up for me.)

ΚΗ ποιον τι;
(What kind of misfortune?)

ΕΥ τηιδε θημεραι κριθησεται ειτε εστι ετι ζων ειτε απολωλα Ευριπιδης.
(On this very day, your dear Euripides will either be spared or doomed.)

KH και πως;
(And how's that?)

επει νυν γε ουτε τα δικαστηρια μελλει δικαζειν ουτε βουλης εστι 'εδρα, επειπερ εστι Θεσμοφοριων 'η μεση.
(Come, since the courts don't plan on charging you now; session isn't in in the Assembly, especially when it's in the middle of the Thesmophoria.)

EY τουτο αυτο γαρ τοι και απολειν με προσδοκω.
(Man, I'm sure this really quite destroy me.)

'αι γαρ γυναικες επιβεβουλευκασι μοι και αν Θεσμοφοροιν μελλουσι περι μου τημερον εκκλησιαζειν επι ολεθρωι.
(The women have put a hit out on me, and today they're about to gather an assembly on how to murder me;)

KH τιη τι δη;
(Hah, what the hell for?)

ΕΥ 'οτιη τραγωιδω και κακως αυτας λεγω.
(It's because...I'm a tragic playwright and I slander them.)

ΚΗ νη τον Ποσειδω και δικαια γε αν παθοις.
(Sheesh, by Poseidon, you really should deserve such justice.)

αταρ τινα εκ τουτων συ μηχανην εχεις;
(But really, do you have a plan regarding these matters?)

ΕΥ Αγαθωνα πεισαι τον τραγωιδοδιδασκαλον εις Θεσμοφοροιν ελθειν.
(Yeah, to persuade the tragic-poet-teacher Agathon to come to the Thesmophoria.)

ΚΗ τι δρασοντα; ειπε μοι.
(What's he gonna do? Tell me.)

ΕΥ εκκλησιασοντα εν ταις γυναιξι χαν δεηι λεξοντα 'υπερ εμου.
(He's gonna partake in the assembly among the women, and he then tell me what was said about me.)

KH ποτερα φανερον η λαθραι;
(How so, openly or in secret?)

ΕΥ λαθραι, στολην γυναικος ημφιεσμενον.
(In secret, after he's dawned his womanly attire.)

ΚΗ το πραγμα κομψον και σφοδρα εκ του σου τροπου.
(A damn fine plan and really becoming of your character.)

του γαρ τεχναζειν 'ημετερος 'ο πυραμους.
(Heh, the cake is our for the taking!)

ΕΥ σιγα.
(Shut it.)

ΚΗ τι δ'εστιν;
(What is it now?)

ΕΥ Aγαθων εξερχεται.
(Agathon's coming out.)

ΚΗ και που εστι;
(So, where is he?)

ΕΥ εστιν; ουτος 'ουκκυκλουμενος.
(Where is he? He's the guy being wheeled out.)

ΚΗ αλλ η τυφλος μεν ειμι;
(Oh, so now I'm blind?)

εγω γαρ ουχ 'ορω ανδρα ουδεν ενθαδε οντα, Κυρηνην δε 'ορω.
(Hmmph, I don't see any fella over there, nope, I see Kyrene, the whore queen of the East.)

ΕΥ σιγα. μελωιδειν γαρ παρασκευζεται.
(Shaddup and look, he's getting ready to sing.)

ΚΗ μυρμηκος ατραπους, η τι διαμινυριζεται;
(What, the famous "ant's galleries", or is he bitch-whining something about?)

ΑΓΑΘΩΝ (as Dionysus)

'ιεραν χθονιαιν δεξαμεναι λαμπαδα, κουραι, ξυν ελευθεριαι πραπιδι χορευσασθε βοαν.
(Meladies, since you have taking to hand the sacred flame of the two earthly queens, do let loose a choral shout, to for * freedom.)

(as the chorus)
τινι δαιμονων 'ο κωμος;
(To which of the gods is this partying devoted?)

λεγε νυν.
(Say it now.)

ευπιστως δε του εμον δαιμονας εχει σεβισαι.
(Yep, I'm ready and willing to worship the gods obediantly.)

(as Dionysus)
αγε νυν ολβιζετε, Μουσαι, χρυσεων 'ρυτορα τοξων Φοιβον, 'ος 'ιδρυσατο χωρας γυαλα Σιμουντιδι γαι.
(Come on then, Muses, make Phoebus, god of golden bows, in his pants; he's the one who watered the glens of the city Troy in the land by the river Simois.)

(as chorus)
χαιρε καλλισταις αοιδαις, Φοιβε, εν ευμουσοισι τιμαις γερας 'ιερον προφερων.
(Rejoice in your fanciful songs, Phoebus, among good singers, you add a sacred prize to the honors.)

(as Dionysus)
τε αν τε εν ορεσι δρυογονοισιν κοραν αεισατο Αρτεμιν αγροτεραν.
(And you could have also sang about Artemis, the maiden huntress in the wood-bearing mountains.)

(as chorus)
'επομαι κληιζουσα σεμναν γονον ολβιζουςα Λατους, Αρτεμιν απειρολεχη.
(I'm following the sacred child of Leto, shouting her out and making her happy, Artemis, the maiden of leavings-from-the-bed.)

(as Dionysus)
Λατω τε κρουματα τε Ασιαδος ποδι παραρυθμ'ευρυθμα Θρυγιων δια νευματα Χαριτων.
(And don't forget Leto too, the maiden and the musical notes from the foot of Asian guitar and the rhythm groups and rhythmic meshes approved in nod by the Phrygian Graces.)

(as chorus)
σεβομαι Λατω τε ανασσαν κιθαραν τε ματερα 'υμνων αρσενι βοαι δοκιμων.
(I'll worship Queen Leto too, the mother of goodly dreams after a manly cry, and the cithara too.)

(as Dionysus)
ται φαος εσσυτο δαιμονιοις ομμασιν, 'αμετερας τε δια αιφνιδιου οπος.
(By this cithara, and through this lightning-swift voice of ours,the light will speed to the eyes of the gods.)

'ων χαριν ανακτα αγαλλε Φοιβον.
(In thanks of these things, give glory to the lord Phoebus.)

(as chorus)
χαιρε, ολβιε παι Λατους.
(Hail, blessed son of Leto.)

ΚΗ ως ηδυ το μελος, ω ποτνιαι Γενετυλλιδες, και θηλυδριωδες και κατεγλωττισγμενον και μανδαλωτον, 'ωστε εμου γε ακροωμενου 'υπο την 'εδραν αυτην 'υπηλθε γαργαλος.
(That was such arousing song, Genetyllides, o goddess of sexual get-offishness, and so girlyman-ish and French-kissified and grabass-ish, that while I was listening, a horniness tingled right down my ass.)

και συ, ω νεανισχε, 'ητις ει, κατα Αισχυλον εκ της Λυκουργειας ερεσθαι βουλομαι.
(And as for you, my dear lad, I wanna conjure Aeschylus right down from his Lycurgia play to ask him who ever you might be!)

ποδαπος 'ο γυννις; τις πατρα; τις 'η στολη;
(Where's the w'ittle girlie boy from? What of your nationality? What of your dress?)

τις 'η ταραξις του βιου;
(What's the reason for your lifestyle?)

τι βαρβιτος λαλει κροκωτωι;
(What does the stringed barbitos tell about your see-through gown of saffron?)

τι δε λυρα κεκρυφαλωι;
(Hmm, what does the lyre tell of your hairpiece?)

τι ληκυθος και στροφιον; 'ως ου ξυμφορα.
(What about the sports flask and the sash? These things don't add up.)

τις δαι κατοπτρου και ξιφους κοινωνια;
(Who do a mirror and a sword have in common?)

συ τε αυτος, ω παι, ποτερον 'ως ανηρ τρεφει;
(And on the matter of you, boy, how could a man like you even feed himself?)

και που πεος; που χλαινα; που Λακωνικαι;
(And where's your dick anyway? Where's your cloak? Where's your Air-Spartans?

αλλα 'ως γυνη δητε; ειτα που τα τιτθια; τι φηις; τι σιγαις;
(No really, how could you be a woman? Hmmph, where are your tits? What do you say? Why ya clamming up?)

ζητω σε, επειδη γε αυτος ου βουλει φρασαι;
(Can I ask you anything, when you do even choose to speak?)

AΓ ω πρεσβυ πρεσβυ, του φθονου μεν τον ψογον ηκουσα, την δε αλγησιν ου παρεσχομην.
(Old fella...old fella...yeah, I heard the scathing blame of your voice, but I wasn't deserving of this lashing pain.)

εγω δε την εσθηθ' 'αμα τηι γνωμηι φορω.
(Still, I'm wearing clothing suitable to the profile.)

αυτικα γυναικαεια ην ποιηι τις δραματα, μετουσιαν δει των τροπων το σωμα εχειν.
(If a man straightaway be an actor, he needs to have a body befitting his part.)

ΚΗ ουκουν κελητιζεις, 'οταν Φαιδραν ποιηις;
(Aha, so someone rides your ass like a horse, whenever you play Phaedra?)

ΑΓ ανδρεια δε ην ποιηι τις, εν τωι σωματι ενεστι 'υπαρχον τουτο.
(Well, if someone's playing the man, then this is comes down to matter of body type.)

'α δε ου κεκτημεθα, μιμησις ηδη ταυτα συνθηρευεται.
(But although I haven't done those parts, imitation captures the essence in this case.)

ΚΗ 'οταν σατυρους τοινυν ποιηις, καλειν εμε, 'ινα συμποιω σου ουπισθεν εστυκως εγω.
(Yeah...whenever you do satyr plays, give me a holla, so that I can bust a hard-on standing behind you.)

ΑΓ αλλως τε αμουσον εστι ποιητην ιδειν αγρειον οντα και δασυν.
(...and moreover it's pointless to art see a shaggy and wild-looking artist.)

σκεψαι δε οτι Ιβυκος εκεινος και Aνακρεων 'ο Τηιος και Aλκαιος, 'οιπερ 'αρμονιαν εχυμισαν, εμιτροφορουν τε και διεκλωντα Ιωνικως.
(Really, consider that actor Ibycus, and Anacreon, and the famous Teios, and Alcaeus, they all colored their musical piece with flavor, and don't forget they wore ladies headbands and practice the delicate customs of Ionia.)

και Φρυνιχος-τουτον γαρ ουν ακηκοας-αυτος τε καλος ην και καλως ημπισχετο.
(And Phrynicus-heh, so you've heard of this one-he was both pretty and dressed prettily.)

δια τουτο αρα αυτου και καλα ην τα δραματα.
(Believe it, thanks to this, his acting was also fine.)

'ομοια γαρ ποιειν αναγκη τηι φυσει.
(So then, you need to do these things out of habit.)

ΚΗ ταυτα αρα 'ο Φιλοκλεης αισχρος ων αισχρως ποιει, 'ο δε Ξενοκλεης ων κακος κακως ποιει, 'ο δε αυ Θεογνις ψυχρος ων ψυχρως ποιει.
(Hmm, Philocles the Ugly-assed did the same things, and was α ugly-ass actor, and Xenocles the Fuck-ugly acted fuck-ugly, and Theognis the Frankenstein was a stiff actor himself.)

ΑΓ 'απασα αναγκη.
(...it's all necessary.)

ταυτα γαρ τοι γνους εγω εμαυτον εθεραπευσα.
(Yep, concerning these matters, I can say I've taken measures for my own sake.)

KH πως, προς των θεων;
(How so, for godsake?)

ΕΥ παυσαι βαυζων.
(Stop yapping...)

και γαρ εγω τοιουτος ην ων τηλικουτος, 'ηνικα ηρχομην ποιειν.
(As I was saying, I Εuripides was a such a great actor, though I'm the same age as you, when I began to do it.)

ΚΗ μα τον Δια, ου ζηλω σε της παιδευσεως.
(By God, I don't envy your childhood...)

ΕΥ αλλα ωνπερ 'ουνεκ' ηλθον, εα με ειπειν.
(Look, I didn't come here for these comments of yours: let me speak!)

ΚΗ λεγε.
(Go ahead, speak.)

EY Αγαθων, 'σοφου προς ανδρος, 'οστις εν βραχει πολλους καλως 'οιος τε συντεμνειν λογους."
(My dear Agathon, a man once said, "It is characteristic of a wise man to be able to summarize his many words finely into a short sentence.)

εγω δε καινηι ξυμφοραι πεπληγμενος 'ικετης αφιγμαι προς σε.
(Here it is: I Euripides have come in the time of a new crisis, ready to strike up a plea to you.)

ΑΓ του χρειαν εχων;
(What's it you need?)

ΕΥ μελλουσι με 'αι γυναικες απολειν τημερον τοις Θεσμοφοριοις, 'οτι κακως αυτας λεγω.
(The women in town are planning to off me today during the Thesmophoria festival, because I talk shit about them.)

ΑΓ τις ουν παρα 'ημων εστιν ωφελεια σοι;
(Soo, what help is their for you that I can give?)

ΕΥ 'η παση. εαν γαρ εγκαθεζομενος λαθραι εν ταις γυναιξιν, 'ως δοκων ειναι γυνη, 'υπεραπροκρινηι μου, σαφως σωσεις εμε.
(The whole enchilada. Look, if you could sit secretly among the women, while you pretend to be a lady, then if you could speak on my behalf to them, you will save me for certain.)

ΑΓ επειτα πως ουκ αυτος απολογει παρων;
(And so how is someone supposeδ to defend you, while you're not there?)

ΕΥ εγω γρασω σοι.
(I will tell you.)

πρωτα μεν γιγνωσκομαι.
(I'm gonna have myself recognized first.)

επειτα πολιος ειμι και πωγωνα εχω, συ δε ευπροσωπος, λευκος, εξυρημενος, γυναικοφωνος, 'απαλος, ευπρεπης ιδειν.
(Then, I come gray-haired and shaggy-bearded, while you, Agathon, come looking all pretty-faced, lily white, shaved-up, lady-voiced, soft-skinned and well-dressed.

AΓ Ευριπιδη-
(Euripides...)

ΕΥ τι εστιν;
(What is it?)

ΑΓ εποιησας ποτε: "χαιρεις 'ορων φως, πατερα δε ου χαιρειν δοκεις;"
(You once wrote: "You rejoice in seeing the light of day, but don't you think your father will be pissed?")

ΕΥ εγωγε.
(Hell yeah I did.)

ΑΓ μη νυν ελπσηις το σον κακον 'ημας 'υφεξειν.
(You can't hope to have me undergo the wicked fate that belongs to you.)

αλλα αυτος 'ο γε σον εστιν οικειως φερε.
(Instead, let the man himself bear his own punishment in person.)

τας συμφορας γαρ ουχι τοις τεχναμασιν φερειν δικαιον, αλλα τοις παθημασιν.
(Heh, it's no good to bearing problems out of trickery, only out of submission.)

ΚΗ και μην συ γε, ω καταπυγον, ευρυπρωκτος ει ου τοις λογοισιν, αλλα τοις παθημασιν.
(Yeah right, really, Agathon you butt-hugger, you aren't WIDELY experienced in giving speeches, only in freaky ass sex.)

EY τι δε εστιν 'οτι δεδοικας ελθειν αυτοςε;
(Come on, what do you have to fear in going there?)

ΑΓ κακιον απολοιμην αν η συ.
(I would probably be killed worse than you, Euripides.)

ΕΥ πως;
(Why?)

ΑΓ 'οπως; δοκων γυναικων εργα νυκτερεισια κλεπτειν 'υφαρπαζειν τε θηλειαν Κυπριν.
(Why, really? Because the women want to keep their hellified night orgies secret and bust their "Aphrodite" all woman-like.)

ΚΗ ιδου γε κλεπτειν.
(Listen to him, "keep them secret...")

νη Δια, βινεισθαι μεν ουν.
(By Zeus' balls, "get fucked" is more like it.)

αταρ 'η προφασις γε νη Δια εικοτως εχει.
(But by Jove really, the second part does seem to fit the bill.)

EY τι ουν; ποιησεις ταυτα;
(So, what's the deal? Will you do it?)

ΑΓ μη δοκει γε συ.
(Euripides, don't even think about it.)

ΕΥ ω τρισκακοδαιμων, 'ως απολωλα Ευριπιδης.
(O triply-fucked man am I, I Euripides...am a goner!)

ΚΗ ω φιλτατε, ω κηδεστα, μη σαυτον προδωις.
(O my love, o my hubby, don't give up on yourself!)

ΕΥ πως ουν ποιησω δητα;
(So what the hell should I do then?)

ΚΗ τουτον μεν μακρα κλαειν κελευε, εμοι δε 'ο τι βουλει χρω λαβων.
(First, tell this dude to go to hell, then use me for whatever purpose suits you.)

ΕΥ αγε νυν, επειδη σαυτον επιδιδως εμοι, αποδυθι τουτι θοιματιον.
(Ok then...when you come over to me and take off this little cloak.)

ΚΗ και δη χαμαι.
(Οk...got it, it's on the ground.)

αταρ τι μελλεις δραν με;
(What the hell are you planning for me to do?)

ΕΥ αποξυρειν ταδι, τα κατω δε αφευειν.
(To shave off those beard hairs...yeah, singe them right off.)

ΚΗ αλλα πραττε, ει σοι δοκει.
(Fine, do it, if you think it best.)

'ως μη επιδουναι εμαυτον ωφελον ποτε.
(...on second thought, I shouldn't have even offered my help...)

ΕΥ Αγαθων, συ μεντοι ξυροφορεις 'εκαστοτε, χρησον τι νυν 'ημιν ξυρον.
(Agathon, since you carry a razor all the time, let me use borrow it now.)

ΑΓ αυτος λαμβανε εντευθεν εκ της ξυροδοκης.
(Take it out yourself; it's in the case over there.)

ΕΥ γενναιος ει. καθιζε.
(You are kind...ok, sit down.)

φυσα την γναθον την δεξιαν.
(Puff up your chin on the right side.)

KH οιμοι.
(Oh no!!!)

ΕΥ τι κεκραγας;
(Why are you screaming?)

εμβαλω σοι πατταλον, ην μη σιωπαις.
(Let me get a gag for you...otherwise, you won't shut up.)

ΚΗ ατταται ιατταται.
(ow. ow. ow. ow. ow.)

ΕΥ 'ουτος συ, ποι θεις;
(Hey you! Where do you think you going?)

ΚΗ εις το των σεμνων θεων.
(Into the shrine of the holy goddesses!)

ου γαρ μα την Δημητρα γε ενταυθοι μενω τεμνομενος.
(Damn, by Demeter's ass, I won't wait here to be cut to pieces!)

ΕΥ ουκουν καταγελαστος δητε εσει την 'ημικραιραν την 'ετεραν ψιλην εχων;
(So, in that case won't you be worth a laugh, since you half your face has been shaved off...)

ΚΗ ολιγον μελει μοι.
(I don't give a damn.)

ΕΥ μηδαμως, προς των θεων, προδωις με.

(For godsake, you never let me down.)

χωρει δευρο.
(Come back here.)

ΚΗ κακοδαιμον εγω.
(I really am a unlucky bastard.)

ΕΥ εχ' ατρεμα σαυτον και ανακυπτε. ποι στρεφει;
(Stop trembling and lean your head back. Where are you turning?)

ΚΗ μυ μυ;
(mphhh...mphhh...)

ΕΥ τι μυζεις;
(Why the hell are you mphh-ing?)

παντα πεποιηται καλως.
(Ok, everything's been taken care of nicely.)

ΚΗ οιμοι κακοδαιμων, ψιλος ουν στρατευσομαι.
(Aw damn...you unlucky bastard. Now I gotta do my mission bare-assed.)

ΕΥ μη φροντισηις.
(Don't worry.)

'ως ευπρεπης φανει πανυ.
(Really, it looks altogether fabulous.)

βουλει θεασθαι σαυτον;
(You wanna catch a gander at yourself?)

ΚΗ ει δοκει, φερε.
(If it matters, fine, bring the mirror.)

ΕΥ 'οραις σευατον;
(You see yourself?)

ΚΗ ου μα Δια, αλλα Κλεισθενη.
(No, by Zeus' ass, only a wannabe Kleisthenes.)

ΕΥ ανιστασε, 'ινα αφευσω σε, και αγκυψας εχε.
(Stand up, so I can tie you up; hold your place when you bend forward.)

ΚΗ οιμοι κακοδαιμων, δελφακιον γενησομαι.
(Aw damn, you unlucky bastard, I have a spawned into a little pig!)

ΕΥ ενεγκατω τις ενδοθεν δαιδ' η λυχνον.
(Somebody, bring out a torch or lamp from inside.)

επικυπτε. την κερκον φυλαττου νυν ακραν.
(Ok, bend over. Watch out for the tip of your dick now...)

ΚΗ εμοι μελησει νη Δια, πλην γε 'οτι καομαι.
(By Zeus' balls, I'll watch it, up to the point when my junk is lit on fire.)

οιμοι ταλας.
(Aw dammnn...I'm a miserable bastard.)

'υδωρ 'υδωρ, ω γειτονες, πριν αντιλαβεσθαι τηνδε πρωτον της φλογος.
(Water! Water! You, neighbors, bring it out before my dick puts out the fire itself.)

ΕΥ θαρρει.
(Act like a man!)

ΚΗ τι θαρρω καταπεπυρπολημενος;
(How can I act like a man when my dick's blazing on fire?)

ΕΥ αλλα ουκετι ουδεν πραγμα σοι.
(But there's no problem for you yet.)

τα πλειστα γαρ αποπεπονηκας.
(Nope, you have yet to suffer the worst.)

ΚΗ φυ, ιου της ασβολου.
(Shit, look at that burn!)

αιθος γεγενημαι παντα τα περι την τραμιν.
(I've been singed black all around my crotch!)

ΕΥ μη φροντισηις. 'ετερος γαρ αυτα σπογγιει.
(Don't worry. Look, here's a guy to sponge off your balls.)

ΚΗ οιμωξετ' αρα ει τις τον εμον πρωκτον πλυνει.
(Really, he's gonna be sorry, if you starts to wash my asshole...)

ΕΥ Αγαθων, επειδη σαυτον επιδουναι φθονεις, αλλα ιματιον γουν χρησον 'ημιν τουτωι και στροφιον.
(Hey Agathon, you just grudgingly refused to cooperate with me, but at least lend us your dress and handband.)

ου γαρ ταυτα γε 'ως ουκ εστι ερεις.
(So, you can't say that you don't have these things...)

ΑΓ λαμβανετε και χρησθε. ου φθονω.
(Take it and use it at your pleasure. I won't refuse you.)

ΚΗ τι ουν λαβω;
(And why I should I take it?

ΕΥ 'o τι; τον κροκωτον πρωτον ενδυου λαβων.
(Why, you ask? First, take this outer garment and put it on.)

ΚΗ νη την Αφροδιτην, 'ηδυ γε οζει ποσθιου.
(By Aphrodite's ass, it smells like dick!)

ΕΥ ιδου. συζωσον 'ανυσας.
(Ηere, be quick to tie a belt around you.)

αιρε νυν στροφιον.
(Now lift up your headband.)

ΚΗ ιθι νυν καταστειλον με τα περι τω σκελει.
(...I'm putting the stockings on my legs now.)

ΕΥ κεκρυφαλου δει και μιτρας.
(You also need to a head covering and neckband.)

ΑΓ 'ηδι μεν ουν κεφαλη περιθετος, 'ην εγω νυκτωρ φορω.
(As a matter of fact, you're dressing your head with the same band I wear at night.)

ΕΥ νη τον Δια, αλλα και επιτηδεια πανυ.
(By Zeus, yet it's so completely comfortable...)

ΚΗ αρα 'αρμοσει μοι;
(So, are you going to zip me up?)

ΕΥ νη Δια, αλλα αριστ' εχει.
(By God, but it looks so good.)

γερε εγκυκλον που;
(Let's see, where's the outer garment?)

ΑΓ λαμβανε απο της κλινιδος.
(Grab it off the couch.)

ΕΥ 'υποδηματων δει.
(We need sandals.)

ΑΓ τε 'αμα ταυτι λαμβανε.
(Oh, take these here on my feet too.)

ΚΗ αρα 'αρμοσει μοι;
(So, you gonna zip me up?)

χαλαρα γουν χαιρεις φορων.
(You can at least be happy wearing women's heels.)

ΑΓ συ τουτο γιγνωσκε.
(Judge for yourself.)

αλλα-εχεις γαρ 'ων δεει-εισω τις 'ως ταχιστα με εισκυκλησατω.
(But, since you have everything you've asked for, let somebody roll me back into the house as quickly as possible...)

ΕΥ ανηρ μεν 'ημιν 'ουτοσι και δη γυνη το γε ειδος.
(Well, this fellow here is man, and yet his appearance is a woman.)

ην λαληις δε, 'οπως τωι φθεγματι γυναικιεις ευ και πιθανως.
(But still, when you talk, see that you act ladylike in voice, and make sure you're damn convincing.)

ΚΗ πειρασομαι.
(Yes sir.)

ΕΥ βαδιζε τοινυν.
(Now, march.)

ΚΗ μα τον Απολλω ουκ, ην γε μη ομοσηις εμοι-
(I will not, by Apollo's thong, if you keep pushing me...)

ΕΥ τι χρημα;
(What's your mission?)

ΚΗ συσσωσειν εμε πασαις τεχναις, ην μοι τι περιπιπτηι κακον.
(To save your skin by any means necessary; otherwise let something bad fall right on my head.)

ΕΥ ομνυμι τοινυν αιθερα, οικησιν Διος.
(So now swear on the heavens, the palace of Zeus.)

ΚΗ τι μαλλον η την 'Ιπποκρατους ξυνοικιαν;
(But wouldn't it be better to swear on Hippocrates' apartment?)

ΕΥ ομνυμι τοινυν παντας αρδην τους θεους.
((And now swear without exception on the all the gods.)

ΚΗ μεμνησο τοινυν ταυτα, 'οτι 'η φρην ωμοσεν, 'η γλωττα δε ουκ ομωμοκα, ουδε ωρκωσ' εγω.
("And then I recited these things, because my mind knew, but my tongue did not know, nor did I give it any clue".)

ΕΥ εκσπευδε ταχεως.
(Hurry off quickly.)

'ως το της εκκλησιας σημειον εν τωι Θεσμοφορειωι φαινεται.
(Look, there's the signal of the assembly in the Thesmophorion.)

εγω δε απειμι.
(And awayyy I go.)

___

ΚΗ δευρο νυν, ω Θραιτθ', 'επου.
(Now follow here behind me, my dear Thratta.)

ω Θραιττα, θεασαι, καομενων των λαμπαδων 'οσον το χρημα ανερχετο 'υπο της λιγνυος.
(My dear, look at it, at how great a throng of lanterns have come up from the smoke.)

αλλα, ω περικαλλει Θεσμοφορω, δεξασθε με αγαθηι τυχηι και δευρο και παλιν οικαδε.
(But, you two fine-ass Thesmophorian goddesses, allow me in all good fortune to come here and back home again.)

ω Θραιττα, την κιστην και καθελε, καιτ' και ειτα εξελε τα ποπανα, 'οπως λαβουσα θυσω τοιν θειον.
(My dear Thratta, set that basket down, then take out some cakes for sacrifice, so that I [being a woman] can make my sacrificial offering to the two goddesses.)

δεσποινα πολυτιμητε Δημητερ φιλη και Περσεφαττα, πολλα πολλακις με σοι Θυειν εχουσαν, ει δε μαλλα νυν λαθειν.
(So-much-honored mistress Demeter and kind Persephone, allow me, a woman, to sacrifice many things to you many times; if not, at least let me get away unnoticed.)

και την θυγατερα ευχοιρον ανδρος μοι τυχειν πλουτουντος, αλλως δε ηλιθιου και οβελτερου, και ποσθαλισκον νουν εχειν μοι και φρενας.
(...oh yeah, and also let me get my hands on a good-pussied daughter of a rich guy, but let him be a dumbass idiot...oh yeah, and to have the mind and thoughts of a pervert.)

που που καθιζωμ' εν καλωι, των 'ρητορων 'ινα εξακουω;
(Where the hell is there a good place to sit here, so I can listen to the speakers?)

συ δε απιθε, ω Θραττα, εκποδων.
(Hey you, my dear Thratta, get the hell out of my way!)

δοιλος γαρ ουκ εξεστι ακουειν των λογων.
(Really, I can't hear what's being said *.)